Last evening, I got an email from a wife who was very frustrated because, as she said: "my husband is constantly threatening me with divorce. If we so much as argue or if I do something that he doesn't like, he either flat out says or insinuates that he's going to either pack his bag and leave or file for divorce. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells all the time and that, no matter how hard I try, I can't do anything right. I'm not sure if he's serious about the divorce or if this is just trying to exert his power over me. I love my husband. I don't want a divorce, but I can't live this for much longer either."
I can certainly understand her frustration. What she was describing was a very destructive cycle. It was going to be difficult for them to work out their problems under the constant pressure and threat of the marriage being pulled out from under them. This is not even remotely a level playing field and in order for her to get back to a place that was conducive to give and take, she was going to have to change up the dynamics that were occurring. I'll explain this more in the following article.
THER MOS PA
Taking The Threat Of Divorce Off Of The Table: The first thing that was necessary in this situation was for her to remove these threats. You can not work on or improve your marriage when you know that one person is always thinking of placing one foot out of the door. So, I instructed her to directly address this issue head on the next time that he started with this behavior. I felt that she should be very direct with a statement something like: "I know very well that every time we struggle, you are going to bring up divorce. You don't have to continue to verbalize this, as it's something that I've heard countless times before. And, it doesn't change one thing. Whether it's tomorrow, next week, or next month, our history shows us that we're going to keep revisiting this again and again. I don't know about you but I'm tired or repeating something that just doesn't work. If you honestly feel that we can't improve things together, then I would be very sorry to hear that but I can't continue to hear the same threats over and over. You're probably tired of saying the same things over and over so how about we come up with a plan so we don't keep repeating this same tired and destructive cycle that doesn't get us anywhere?"
If you have trouble calling him on his divorce threats verbally, then you can always put this in written form through a letter. The key is to just say it so that he knows that you're no longer going to continue on with this silly dance. You have to break this cycle once and for all. I sometimes have women who express concerns with this. They'll often comment with something like: "I know what you are saying makes sense, but I'm afraid that if I call him on this, he really will go forward with the divorce." I understand this concern but I think that it's unlikely because you have to consider how many times he's made this exact same threat but didn't go through with it. When someone tells me that their husband keeps bringing up divorce, that says to me that there have been numerous repeats of this same scenario with nothing really changing. Admittedly, there is a chance that he will actually go through with one of these threats at some point or another. But, understand that he is likely making them because he too is frustrated with the fact that the two of you are repeating the same negative cycles with nothing really changing. If you can bring about some real, lasting, and satisfying change, he may well stop with the threats, as he would have no need to make them in order to be heard.
Making Things Better So He No Longer Needs To Resort To The Negative Behavior: Now, I realize that I alluded to your working through your problems earlier in this article, but now I'm going to tell you that I'd like for you to delay that until the two of you are interacting positively again. This may seem like a contradiction, but it really isn't. The reason for waiting is because none of your hard work is going to "stick" or last if the two of you aren't feeling connected and aren't experiencing affection and empathy. If you're still resenting one another or are only seeing the negative side of one another, you'll only be going through the motions. You're heart won't be in it, and you'll be making concessions that you really don't mean.
If you think back to when you were first together, you'll realize that you were able to work out your issues and problems much more quickly because you were deeply in sync with one another and you placed the other person's happiness very high on your list of priorities. So it's important that you take some time to reconnect with out the divorce threats on the table so that when you do come to the table to address and work out your problems, you'll be much more receptive, since you'll be deeply connected to this person, feeling happier and more fulfilled, and fully behind ensuring that things work out.
My Husband Keeps Threatening to Divorce Me - Tips and Advice That May Help
It was my husband, not me, who felt that our marriage was completely over and often threatened to end it. And he wouldn't lift a finger to help me save it. I knew that it wasn't over and I refused to give up. But, for a long time I drew on negative emotions rather than positive ones. This seriously backfired. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working, changed course, and finally laid my cards on the table. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/
THER MOS PA
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